Falling forwards, alas not upwards.

So, haven`t been here in a while.
It should be unneccessary to point out that there is little reason for me to be here even now. What, you want another round of my bickerings about the life six years deep between "A Medicine for Melancholy" and "The Genius and the Goddess"? No didn`t think so, but hey, what else is there to talk about?
Pretty much mentally ruined at present, kind of sad, there used to be quite a lot of enjoyment and contemplation in my mental expression, now it`s just a mad dash to the safety of sleep. Sad it had to end thus, but hey, too much time alone can do that to a man. This is where i am supposed to write something about the positive and uplifting turns my life can take over the next year/five year plan/decade, but why bother. I`ve seen pretty much everything i ever wanted blow up in between my hands and have completely lost any belief in ever regaining anything. Fair enough. It`s not as if a strenous mental environment counts as the work one is supposed to do to get ahead in life. SO i shan`t lay the blame anywhere than at the feet of my ignorance of the manner in which human societies function.

SO BLAH! Fucking pointless, and alone for six years running, nothing new here. I`ve been socially dead since 2004 as well, so why bother. Met some nice people, of course, but i never really got into the art of actually making long term connections with people. How could i? Wouldn`t want to spend my time assessing other people based upon the criteria i assess my self. (Which i wouldn`t really do, but that`s another story.)
I`m too scared for other people now anyway, it`s not as if they are going to get any amusement out of talking with me. How could they, i keep myself as guarded as the day is long. And i have long experience in noticing that nobody is really interested in anything i say anyways, so why bother with that? And what little i would say would be wholly lacking in analytical/factual basis and just a general smear made up of poorly digested semi-factoids and tidbits which does not a worldview make. (Except for the fact that i`m alone and going down, i can wax on that at length, but i find it highly unlikely that anybody would be particularly interested in -that-, wouldn`t you say.)

So yeah. Disrepair. Is the order of the day. Thus the name.

Other than that. Why am i still sober?
Not much demand for beings like me. Can`t say i fault the world, nature or the human populace particularly much. Who the fuck needs twenty seven year old broke unemployed nobodies these days anyway? (Except the normal array of dubious entities trying to extract whatever possible from every inch of easily disposable matter.) So yeah, nobody. Oh, i already guessed. That`s the way it`s pretty much always been (except for a couple of years,) and i can let it ebb out slowly. No need to rush about things.

So yeah. Local boy does not make it. Has some fun occassionally, and crash down into a fiery pit. And here`s Tom with the weather.

Oh, and this extended beta for ebocloud gives me the screaming heebie-jeebies. Internal representation/external interaction. Now where did i put that tractor beam? I`m sorry, this as solely internal representation based on available data does not add up. (The brain never did, it`s all right...) I hate innuendo! Wow, the self destructive mental expression i adopted as to not irk anything in my brain any further sure didn`t do a whole lot of good. Alas.

So what`s worth it these days? Not a whole damn lot. As stated, six years of waking up alone breaks you apart. It`s as easy as that. Unless you have some group affiliations involved in works you can get behind, which i haven`t, so shucks for that as well. Now i`m behind on both counts with no real desire or capacity to reel myself back in and on.


Fuck it, it`s you world, go crazy. It`s not as if you can harm it. You can harm the survival of the species of course, but since when did we give a fuck about that anyways.

G