Lapham.

Happy days, new David Lapham comic released just a couple of days ago! And now for the ardous task of bringing a copy over to norwegian shore. I feel more unharmable already! It will be fun, and not as grisly as Crossed:Psychopath was. (Though i never know....) Holy bell hell. I just spent the entire night awake. That is not good, considering the fact that i need to be back in a regular day/night cycle by monday. It was pretty entertaining though, I`ll grant it that. Two nice Headphone Commute mixes. Yay! 10 000 points in Eterna. Happy days. G out.

Happyspace

So, I`m back in happyspace, let me tell you of my wondrous existence. Everything functions as good as it can be expected to considering the amount of effort which has been invested in it so far, and isn`t that great?! As you might be aware i have an amazing dietary regimen when it functions, which i am now happy to say it once again does! I`m really hoping I`ll be able to jumpstart out of bed tomorrow at seven, since i need the weekend to restart my proper day/night cycle before next weeks labour. Breakfast is prepared, and consists, as always, of Rapunzel Müsli, with Gojiberries lightly sprinkled on top, a shredded apple, all of which is soaked overnight in carrotjuice and then mixed with exactly 150 grammes of greek yoghurt. The...perfect....breakfast. It`s simple as that. The only slight hiccup i might encounter tomorrow is that we may not have grapefruitjuice, but i think i saw some fresh grapefruits on a shelf upstairs, so i might be able to rescue that situation as well! Over the course of the day I have been playing around in Spacechem and ETERNA whilst listening to tonAtom releases from yesteryear. I`ve also finished off another Blackest Ever Black mixtape. This was less heroin-infused then the previous one, and on the whole not as intense. That is okay though, it is impressive collectors work nonetheless. Todays poem, a feature i hope to make a regular in my life from now on, and which the "Random Poem" function at poetryfoundation.org satisfies nicely, was Mark Vinz - Cautionary Tales. I found it a nice take on perceptions of danger, and found it necessery for it to exist, though it was slightly too straightforward to really cause my brain to be swirled around properly. And there i finished a starter-session of really poorly executed yoga-moves. Yay, i have to keep doing that. The porn afterwards was kinda meh, but that was just because i couldn`t be bothered to look for anything more ekciting. I also found the time for two more stasis records releases, both of which were nice and smooth. Now all i really need is a new Headphone Commute to sleep to and then i`d be golden. But i can probably settle for some german newscast. Happy days are here to stay (for a while....(also known as until i recklessly drive my body into another intoxicated excess and need to recouperate...(which hopefully won`t be anytime soon, all depending upon how restrained/selfish i manage to be!))) Hugs and kisses! Yay style. (Me? Overdoing it? Nevaaaaah!)

SpaceChem

So, SpaceChem is infuriatingly entertaining, at least during the short spans of time when my brain actually works. It is entertaining to work within constraints such as that game presents, and there is luckily no time limit for completion. I detest those. (Should be apparent, considering how long it takes me to get even basic tasks done, to do them on a time limit would be incredibly annoying! My brain is still bordering between apathetic and wobbly, with trace amounts of structured lucidity. Forecast : Generally positive, i`m assuming an early bedtime and plenty of exercise-surplus tomorrow. If nothing goes completely haywire, that is. I`ve been slightly indulgent on the caffeine-front today, but that was a necessity to present an active being in todays family event. No real worries, and i view it as unlikely that i`ll bother with caffeine tomorrow as well. The rest of the day will be spent doing 30/10, what the 30 will contain is a little hodge-podge, but i`ll think of something. There is a million things i need to do, but i view it as likely that i`ll sauce my brain into some ETERNA, some SpaceChem, some nice mixtapes, some ping-pong-juggling, some yoga, some searching for interesting netlabels, maybe some easy writing about the same old nothing as ever. Who knows. I should also read a bit, i have some books i would like finishing. We`ll see.

ZAmbia

SO, in order to distract myself i`ve been reading about the economy of zambia as seen in 1986. Yeah well, debt laden countries under the yoke of loans surprisingly given to them regardless of economic outlook. What else is new? Granted, copper-price predictions might not be the easiest feat to pull off, i`ll grant the lenders that. though to the degree that there were contending interpretations on the long term price development at that time i would`ve found it amusing to be informed of the view which apparently not held sway in whichever lending institutions provided said loans. Talk abaut useless ways to distract myself, eh....

Tech.

Boy meets the wonderful world of continous wireless connectivity at passable speeds. More in our next newscast. But yeah, this is pretty great, and i`ve got an ok signal through my entire ferry-ride. Now if only i had access to all of my movement-data, then everything would be swell. Get up, get up get out. get into it get outta here

Nationalism

So, today it`s nationalism day! Yippeee!! Or not. I`m not particularly enthusiastic about these kind of self-same-celebrations, and i won`t be for a while yet. It might change, but i don`t know when. The point being that i never really grew up physically present in all of this. Now a celebration of literature or the internet, now that`s a celebration i might actually be enthusiastic about, though i`d be hard pressed to be an active participant then as well. So, all i have to do is remember to smile. That should be easy.

Literature.

Literature is seldom entertaining to me nowadays. This is something i am saddened by, but the fact is that few stories manage to intrigue and entertain me any longer. A very sad turn of events. There are, luckily, certain exceptions to this state of affair, which i will now try to elaborate upon for a litttle while. It is really rather simple, and i have mentioned it before, but John Dos Passos` USA trilogy, (or the two and a half parts i managed to get through then), made quite an impression upon me about a decade ago. I do unfortunately now find it necessary to classify it as a lurid form of social pornography, but these stories contain something that causes me to still tolerate reading them. Perhaps it is just a matter of familiarity, that would be a perfectly adequate explanation for why they still retain their appeal. And that makes me even sadder, having to take into account that it is just my own sense of familiarity that causes me to still tolerate something which so easily can be considered standard fare social pornography. Wow, it surely is difficult for me to dare to be in any way positive oer anything in my life. I`ve really had that capacity mentally kicked out of me over the past seven years. But back to Dos Passos. I don`t really dare to laud it now that i have the familiarity/social pornography overlay/interpretation ready at hand, i`m also rather used to having everything i`ve found likeable destroyed before my very eyes, or more accuaretly, my very expression. So yeah, sucks. Not daring to laud something because i`m too locked in assessing potential negatively constructed counter-arguments to my reasons for enjoyment of something. What to do then? It is a very locked, and very destructive assessment-system i am in possession of, that is certain, and i loath using it to assess something which isn`t "mine", but sharpening it as i do on what is mine makes it impossible for it not to seep into my assessment of others. And vice versa, for that matter, and i can definitely see that it has been a mutually destructive venture of my internal and external assessment-structures. BAck to Dos Passos, anyways. It is interesting, i`ve also tried re-reading Borges not too long ago, but i do not manage to become engage in what he writes to the extent i am engaged in the goings on in the pages of USA. This is of course to a certain extent dependent upon the differnt structures i am dealing with. But i have found short stories that i considered to be quite good. Unfortunately they were Bashevis Singer short stories, and last i looked they weren`t exactly constructed to keep a being from delving into a deep assessive melancholia. I could be wrong about that, of course, but i see no way to alter that wrong through my own doing. So anyway, i should be able to turn this areund to an actual statement about what i like. It is actually really, really difficult for me to do so, horribly enough. It gives a nice image of people caught up in the workings of their own and other peoples ups and downs, i might say. And the small tidbits presenting the great characters of the early industrial revolution are really interesting, and not too fawning. I find this really difficult. Suffice to say i really like re-reading Dos Passos. And it will feel great to finally finish book three of USA.

Posting

Oh great. So google has decided to upgrade the design for this as well. SO MUCH WHITE! Augh. Can`t say I`m thrilled. But maybe i`m just grumpy today. There are certain reasons to belive that. Anyway, Catastroika was a nice documentary, for those times when i really need to hit myself over the head with something depressing which is not technically related to something i have done. Which at times feels good. Who am i kidding, it feels good all of the time. Anything that involves focusingng on the woes and wrongs of others keep me at least somewhat above the point of drowning. Hey, my english is rapidly deteriorating here, not good. Okay, this new design wasn`t that bad. Liveable. So what to do then, i don`t know, go to town, go to the gym on friday, sleep away saturday and sunday as much as possible. Go to work on monday-friday and hope that turns out all right. Hit the town with family and friends next weekend. Hackbergen next tuesday. Roleplaying next wednesday. Concert next friday. Concert next saturday? Concert next sunday? Work the week after that. I`ll be really really broke for the next two weeks, but that is survivable, and deserved, considering how lazy i`ve been lately. Snap out of lazyness, go to gym, eat and drink right, do everything i should`ve done aeons ago but continually fail to. Keep the focus, remain clear. Re-establish enthusiasm for explorations of the ways and the works of humanity, that would be remarkable. And i probably will. Though it is difficult to juggle everything. Become better at 30/10 again. I need to be stricter with myself when it comes to forcing 30/10 in the afternoon/evening. And preferably the morning before work, but i`m just so horribly disinterested in actually being awake. That is problematic, i really need something that just kicks me up and out in the morning, because to actually be conscious during the day is something i have long lost my desire to. We shall see. Optimism should be functioning again by summer, hopefully.

Dreamy

So, I`m hiding in dreams again. It is kind of sad, and way too awesome for my own good. It`s nice to experience the weird synthetic experiences my brain is capable of creating.
Other than that i`ve pretty much spent my time with swiss radio and reddit-pasv-mode. Talk about self-neglect, huh.
It is pretty scary, and i`m just going to have to rein myself in a little bit. I have no surplus energy after another round of social drinking, and it`s really starting to annoy me that i do this to myself again and again. It temporarily ruins everything, and whilst i usually recouperate after too many days there is a marked decrease in capacity for way too long afterwards. And i am now twenty-eight and need as much of my capacity for as long as possible to retain anything resembling competitive capacity.

But I`m getting better, again. So i should probably be operational again by monday. And it seems like a nice week at work with lot`s of outdoor activity and nice weather. I REALLY HAVE TO STOP ACTING AS IF MY JOB IS SOME KIND OF BUNGEE JUMPING EVENT. I need to find something else to scare myself with before i blow it all, again. Drugs are the obvious answer here, but they stopped being scary as well a good while ago, now they`re bordering between interesting and annoying. I have experienced genuinely scary stuff whilst on, or due to the after effects of drugs before, but that seldom happens nowadays. Something i am by all means happy for, but there is just no nerve to existence these days. Not on the personal scale anyhow, definitely on the socio-economic scale, but that is as usual faraway and not something i feel particularly interested in.

I really do love using this as my own personal self-defamation platform.

Okay. Enough with the silliness. Let`s assess this in a somewhat sensible manner. The point being, i know what i need to do, and i`d hate to tarry any longer. I also know how slow i have to proceed in order to get this to work. Which is pretty slow indeed.

Wow, eating made me grumpy again. SO the basic desire here seems to just have people go away for a while. Which by all means can be accomplished quite easily.
THERE IS NO REAL NEED TO.

Institutionalized theft sucks, has always sucked, and will continue to suck for the rest of human existence in one form or another.

Just thought i should point that out.

This of course implies that there is such a thing as not-theft ever occuring in nature. I`ll leave that to theorists to prove the ins and outs of. Though there is the exchange. Which always takes and always gives. Though exactly what can be difficult to define at times. What to do then. I can`t not bother myself with this, that is an impossibility, but this is a crude and ineffectual form of bothering myself. Any ideas?

Quarterly

So, basic list of demands for an agreeable life.

A bed is nice, preferably one which has a width of at least 120cm. Other than that i only need one room, which can be a combination bedroom/everything else. I could also survive with using said room as a kitchen, though that would require a more thorough approach to my daily organization. (Which i am capable of manifesting.)
I really do want to create a minimal/optimal diet requiring the minimal amount of weekly upkeep. This would be benificial on both a consumptive and a self-constructive level. The less equipment i need to maintain said diet the better, i do not want to have one hundred utensils lying around on the off chance i might desire to make something for which said utensil is required. I`m just not into that kind of life. I CAN be into it, but it has no appeal at present, it might in the future. Not to be horribly unkind to the rest of the world but if this is going to progress somehow it will have to do so in a mostly solitary manner.
So, a bed, a minimal assortment if kitchenries, as few clothes as possible, the optimal arrangement is having them all fit underneath the bed. The most crucial element is the swimming pool though. I`d be hard pressed to let go of the combination swimming pool/sauna, and it would take a really great opportunity for me to consider that less than an absolute demand. Then there is the workspace. Not knowing what i need in such a regard makes it tricky, but basically what we`re looking for i a place where i can mess up repeatedly without any fear of the consequences. There are limits to what i can do without a workshop, and i do not like those limitations. But this necessitates a much larger capital base than today. Which i can get ahold of with few, if some, difficulties.
Unless i`ve fucked up beyond recognition, which i regard as unlikely, i am still in good graces at Top Temp. This makes it easy for me to milk them for 16k a month during most months except perhaps parts of june, july and august. Even then i know that i will be prioritized in some of their kindergardens. So let`s say 8*16 000. Which leaves fuck all, unless i tighten ship and avoid most of my stupid excesses for a more focused approach to accumulation. Which i find an interesting proposition at all times except when i`m very, very depressed. (Which happens, ....occasionally...). This means 128 000. 60 000 straight out in ordinary living expenses. Which means we will have to work on a collective level vis a vis workshop, since i can hardly afford more than 1000 a month for that, if even that. 6000 goes to the gym/tan operation. Which is fair enough. 2400 goes to my phone bill. 4800 for a years worth of bread. Sardines for a year comes to 4000. 4500 for 300 days of Rapunzel. I grew tired of this now.

That is not surprising, since i just finished Inclinations Quarterly Report. Which explains?!... the tone my writing took above.
It is, indeed curious how music moves us hither and tither without our conscious acknowledgment. It makes me want to wave a finger in a lot of fools faces though, it really does. But we can pretty much predict that there is approximately 15000 more needed to stabilize my diet on what i consider the bare necessities. That is doable, though it leaves little in the way of other entertainments. Which it bloody well should. ANd which i am okay with. Anything that furthers the two holy grails of energy and focus is okay with me, and i think i know how to accomplish that within my meagre means. The worst that can happen is that i have to fine tune some variables. I can probably differ in workweek and weekend diet i guess.

What this does add up to though is the realization, which i have known of for a while, but which i have yet to manage living by, of NO ALCOHOL UNLESS SOMEBODY ELSE IS PAYING. And even then, i DO NOT have the time to spend more of my days off in a post-intoxicated state of passivity. It just won`t do... Unfortunately. Also, i need the energy, so cigarettes needs to be avoided at pretty much all costs.

Walking around as a living failure sure takes its toll. It is not fun, definitely. And i am very, very tired of it. I am also very very tired of not-failures, under whichever scheme they have devised for defining themselves as such, pushing me around. So buzz the fuck off, i have things to do and need to be left alone to focus sufficently on them.

Lots of things, actually, it`s just that my reboot-time is so godawfully long. If that weren`t the case this would have proceeded to the general merriment of at least me personally. (If only the idiots would stop asking what it was FOR, and if it could be PROFITABLE. Dear god, seriously, are those the first things that cross your minds? What a wretched outlook to the marvels of the world that is.)

Go shorty.

No actually, I`m quite tall. But anyway, I`ve miraculously survived 28 years of existence on planet earth. Strange place to be, i`ll tell you that much.

Unfortunately, apathy regarding coherent expression still rules many of my days. That is what happens when too much of ones structure becomes open to critique. I will probably manage, but it is sad not to be able to formulate ideas and understandings in a manner which makes me comfortable with seeing them written down.
Yeah well, ,hat to do. Still something of a scaredy-cat, no?
The remedy is..... Canibus & Keith Murray. (Actually.....)
So let`s start frontin straight away. Twenty eight should be the strangest yet. The question is, how to further stabilize this structure? I`m tired of all the breakdowns. It is, for most purposes quite easy, stay out of everybodys way. No seriously, kind of tired of always being dragged out by people when i know what kind of a debilitating, long-term effect it has on me. What to do, I`m starting to hate not feeling allowed to act impolite towards people, so i should probably just ram through my own desires and hurt peoples feelings. Seriously.

So, sa the success kid i aim to be i do a lot of things nowadays. Unfortunately, they are mostly consumptive and lacking any purpose out over the consumptive/explorative. This is not something i am happy with, but i have been pretty much beaten into not uttering anything resembling ambition in any situation, whether mental or social. This is problematic, especially considering that what i do take pride and joy in is laughed at and considered irrelevant by everybody. And if their desire is to turn me into an amourphous passive blob without any form of opinion or desire then by god they`re close to succeeding. But of course not, they just want me to conform, you know. Like in a socially productive society-subservient self-destructive manner. And if they have to destroy me in order to prove that their way is the only/best then they will pretty much do so, considering their status as already structurally associated organisms. Great, fucking, life.
Oh well, they are nice, most of the time. Or, at least, materially gainful and occasionally good company. But hey, by all means, if they want to impose their belief in life as just THAT, then i`m rescinding my membership in the whole scherade.

But i won`t do that, as long as get to do what i need to do, which i no longer dare formulate, due to previous times severe beatings. Fair enough. What to do then. With a deconstructed mind such as this? Not too much, sit and watch the sun rise and set. And otherwise let them believe that accumulation in the traditional sense is important. Funny how needs can be manufactured, don`t you think?

So. Quite bitter today, i must say that i rather enjoy the feeling. Bordering on angry actually.

I`ll be happy little me again pretty soon, what i`ll use that for is anybody`s guess. To the extent that i even want to use it for something.