Inlays.

It is quite amusing that the Texhnolyze-inlay i use as a bookmark in "Rainbow`s End" is "Spectacle". Whereas i used "Death & Serenity" as a bookmark for "Franny And Zooey". I chose them based on the images, not their names, those weren`t noticed until later.

Oh well. I`m trying to finish Rainbow`s End now. Anguish and amusement in equal distribution.

Music.

Listening to Bartók`s first piano concerto left me wondering. Do I prefer the fragility and playfulness of a Satie or Debussy, or the sternness and force of a Bartók or Prokofiev?

Each its uses, would be the sensible sentiment to harbor. But i must confess that I`m currently bitter enough to be in the market for sternness and force. That will hopefully change though, I prefer it when I`m mellow. But i can`t maintain a mellow base as long as I`m solitary, unfortunately. I`ve tried, oh I`ve tried.

Xenakis.

Yay.
One hour until i get to enjoy my first live performance of Iannis Xenakis` compositions.

Should be interesting. I`ve listened a little to him lately.

Bliss.

So today turned out all right after all. My emotions have visited most parts of the human spectrum other than anger. I`ve written two poems, which is something of a novelty. I`m rather satisfied with them, which is comfortable. I got to spend part of the morning watching pictures painted by Renoir and Monet. Of which i definitely prefer Renoir. It`s pretty amusing, whilst browsing through Monet`s paintings i came across one i liked, which turned out to be part of the search because it was a painting by Renoir which depicted Monet painting. (There`s a wrestling-expression which could be employed here with which I am not acquainted.

Other than that I`ve read Dagoberto Glib`s latest short story in Harper`s. Which was a searing experience. He manages to convey the desperation of powerlessness in the face of constantly prying, not quite discernable, humans. And the extremes to which one goes to by delving ever deeper into the world of false expressions to throw said beings off one`s back. It was also a powerful reminder of the frailty of the individual and a nice nudge in the direction of experiencing a return from powerlessness. But it was incredibly painful. (Which stories should be, occasionally.)


Other than that. It`s nice to behold a harbour with a sparkle in it`s eye.

And it took me 15.07 to get up to Sandvikspilen today.

Oh, and Obese crew is STILL holding it down! Round for round, pound for pound! =)

Coop

The cooptative capacities
of social reality

leave me in captivity
and you as a grue

And sometimes i wonder,
oh yes i do wonder
Why social reality
is such strange a brew.

Silent Running

Well, the good news is that Prokofiev`s second and third piano concertos are still sublime.

The bad news is that I still have some major problems with smeared expression-spaces. Really large problems, as in, incredibly invasive and giving off the wonderful experience of being imposing solely through acts of thought. Now shrugging it off is technically not much of a problem, but that low grade continual conditioning is not going to be particularly advantageous for myself in the medium to long term.

It is a problem though, when invasive/interactive mental experiences constitute the more reasonable aspect of one`s rhetorical world.

It`s kind of sad, nowadays I mostly just negate due to me having already attacked/been attacked myself from most interpretative angles and found too many valid points to be really interested in pointing anything out to anybody anymore.
Oh well, it was fun whilst it lasted.


Annoyance : People who destabilize other people in order to improve their hierarchical relation to that person. Shame! (Done it meself, of course. Too bad really.)

Consecrated Chicken Soup.

Whoah. Went through Franny And Zooey in less than forty-eight hours. It`s been a while since a story has held me so thoroughly in its grasp. A wonderful, unsentimental and honest way to relate to experiences I find myself very personally acquainted with. I could say that a certain anguish is experienced by reading about characters and situations that are so close to both what i experienced years ago (to be in possession of this book five years ago would have simplified matters) and to how i relate to myself at present.

Too bad really, to be so heavily reliant on literature for my situational awareness. Especially since awareness is a prerequisite for the capacity to elaborate but not always a facilitator. It also raises so many problematic questions about the nature of beings relation to authority as to make me want to breathe fire. Which I can probably learn, if I ever join the circus.

Knowing now that these are known patterns one wishes one knew what those who knew the patterns now know.
Yeah

"Franny And Zooey" has that sweet smell of the fifties which I`ve occasionally encountered and loved.

Zooey needs hug.

Nuff said.

Positioning

Recovery IDea, He lived deeply.
The airy comforts of juxtaposing Anais Nin`s "Under A Glass Bell" and J.D. Salinger`s "Zooey".

Egocentric, patterncentric.

I would`ve been -very- depressed if it hadn`t been for Grue`s "The Casablanca Variations".
As it is now I`m just sombre.

What`s the point of being cool if you can`t wear a sombrero?!

The Weird.

Came across a collection of short stories in Norwegian i happened to rather like today. Fine, jovial, if perhaps sometimes slightly eerie shorts by a man called Jan Grue. Skirting the outlines of intertextuality, research programs into shared consciousness and experiences of individual primacy in relation to libraries. Which are spaces that i quite enjoy hiccuping my way through. He writes in a tone of joviality and light heartedness which manages to keep me treading through the pages. Which isn`t particularly bad for a Norwegian novelist, my attractors in that world are few and far between.

I`ve also started on J.D. Salinger`s "Franny And Zooey", Franny and the horrors visited upon her over the course of a lunch with Mr. Handsome was sad to behold. The incapacity for mutualism or at least complementarity in conversations and ways of relating to the world has long been a reason for anguish, both for me and the species. I remember making a valiant (hrrrmph!) effort at being elaborative and consistent in my internal structure, which at times benefited me, and at times caused wonderful repetitions of the theme from our high school trip to Scotland to play out. Ne`er had i thought that one could be considered thusly in the know (and therefore horribly important) just because one when asked presented what information one had on a topic.
Oh dearest Franny, caught in a web of wondering over the power of borders between repetition, language, action, interaction, cause, effect and the usual assortment of experiences which our many institutions and individuals have conveyed the experiences of in a varied and confusing manner.
Which is for the best, since we all love variety. Isn`t that so? Yes it is to me at least.

I`m becoming obnoxiously healthy in my daily routines. If i manage to work in a more consistent manner with maths then I might establish base competences in the field by may of next year. YAY! Good to have something to work forward with.

Now if I`ll be excused, me and Zooey need to become acquainted.

In other news. This song



still manages to bring me close enough to a breakdown to make it sublime to listen to. (If it`s the "Live at Limbo" version, that is.) At times it feels really rotten to be so fond of fragility. And at times it`s a blessing to be cherished. Ah well.

Budget cutbacks.

Just out of idle curiosity.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE TO CUT BACK 5 billion pound sterling in public health expenditure in the city of London?
As the World Socialist Web Site reports.

Welcome to the wonderful world of public austerity. Ugly stuff. Kind of gruesome to have the bubble I`m currently in, but I`ll just have to make the best of it. (Which seems pretty darn good nowadays actually.)

Calm before teh fail.

So, no more Espresso Croquant for me. Today i managed to get up at six thirty feeling pretty fresh. Fresh enough to chow down breakfast, then walk up to Sandvikspilen and down again, whereafter i biked into town, warmed up at steady 100rpm ending at 153bpm. Whereafter i did all exercises with a slight pain in my right pectoralis major (which still bothers me even two years after i first got it). I didn`t feel like rowing with that pain, so i went straight to the bath and swam an easy 2x250 and practiced holding my breath underwater. My technique is abominable, but hopefully i`ll get the hang of it in a while.
Unfortunately, the girl at Kinsarvik had no specific tips about which comics one should read. Too bad really, i like it when people have a certain kind of dedication relative to their media which makes them interested in conveying what they think is the best. Oh well, Fantastic Four? Me and mutated superheroes never really got along, for that i was too into The Phantom. But the old stuff might be comfortably nostalgic to read, so if i come across any i`ll be sure to take a gander at those narratives as well. She is pretty good looking, and the dialect is pretty cute. From which base her life unfolds is though as of yet a mystery.

I`ve kept a perfect diet today, and will enjoy fish cakes for dinner later on. Everything is as perfect as it could get. (Besides from the fact that I`m flat broke and without an education and a girlfriend at the age of twenty-six, which is, of course, not optimal.) Other than that though.......

Bartók is off to a good start. And my piano-lessons are really amusing. As for now I`m just slowly moving through the introductory hand movement lessons, but it`s fun to be responsible for creating harmonious sounds and rhythms.
Now if i may be excused, I have some pornography which requires watching.

Have been floating in comfortable mental landscapes today. Surprising, and slightly unnerving. (Can`t take a good thing for what it is, right?)

Naugtiness

Here i was, minding my own business, (mainly being mathematics, however shoddily), when along comes a comic which causes me to lay aside proper work in order to once again descend into the wonderful world of mysticism, myth, patterns of being, and.... britpop? Yeah, that last bit surprised me, but the authors managed to convey why such music could be considered interesting, and it was apparently rather popular with a lot of people. It was an incredibly refreshing take on everything from relationships to resurrections of old and venerated focus/social-coherence points. (Or goddesses, as they are shown in this novel.)
I`ve yet to rid myself of my nostalgia for a great many things i related to throughout my life, and Phonogram offered a nice, respectful corrective to certain aspects of the pining one has for ways, things and beings past. (WHOSE MICE?) It was also a rather critical look at the art of mythologizing, for which I have had quite the fancy over the years.

And i should have been worrying about other things whilst this was going on.

What to do when you sit writing a blog post and the name Graeme Souness, suddenly appears in your head. I know he`s somehow associated with the british football, but i can`t really pinpoint him. Interesting character, it turns out. Let`s hope the Steinar Nilsens managing career turns out slightly better than that.

In other news. von Fürstenbergs exist! Now there`s something of an oddity.

Berkeley

And I`ve just gone ahead and addicted myself to Berkeley-webcasts, AGAIN! Will i never learn?

Unintentionally funny question!

Is American lectures what the German people need in order to reconstruct their civil society, I recall somebody asking after the second world war. Still an amusing question.

Swell day.

Another enjoyable morning. Didn`t wake up at six feeling wide awake today, which annoyed me.
Read an interesting piece about the power struggles between national foreign departments, national executive departments and the newly empowered EU foreign affairs establishment. Whither goes the centralization of power? Gee whiz i so do like executives who try to become the all-adjucating structure in society.

Other than that i got a friendly reminder about the fragility of modern media from a member of the Long Now foundation in AmSci. I used to be worried about our ability to recreate our past. Whilst improvement in the methods of storage still fascinate me, (and its really weird to see comparisons of data stored pr sq/mt for different media), i`ve lost all fright relative to the recreatability of our contemporary environment.

My composer-focus for the next week will be Bartók, in a somewhat haphazard collection containing what i found in the shelf at the public library. Which will hopefully entertain and enliven me.

Now I`m just procrastinating. Should be doing math tasks, but am not currently too enthusiastic. Maybe some chocolate will help. Unfortunately we`re fresh out of good chocolate, I`ll have to suggest some purchases then.

Glenn Gould

Just watched Glenn Gould and the Toronto Symphony orchestra play Beethoven`s Fifth Piano Concerto. I`ve practically never even seen a picture of the man, so to behold him in front of a piano was very enjoyable. He`s very ..... sweeping ..... Fair enough.
On another note, is the fifth incredibly slippery or is there just something i fail to grasp in it which demands the attentiveness of a better listener? The tempo and playfulness of the piano is at times enough to demand my attention, but i`m ashamed to have to say that without the focus of a visual of the recording it would take my mind a very short time to wander away from attentive relations to the music. I`ve been listening to some Rimsky Korsakov lately, and he seems more intent on grabbing me by my collar, successfully so.
Maybe i`m just jaded and superficial for having spent too much time in the ever bellowing media environment of the TV and post-TV era.

Going to snatch myself a new composer from the library tomorrow. I fancy it might be Bartok, Berlioz,Prokofiev (again) or Borodin. We shall see.

(Some people say one composer is `nuff, but i can`t stop having that good stuff, for real!)

Days like these.

Sirens screaming, panic and disorder, tried to order whisky got tapwater. There goes the bus i missed.
They always told me there`d be days like this.

Trying times for a brain like mine. Having to spend large parts of what is meant to be productive math work apologizing in my brain for actions with which i can argue to no avail over the mechanics of and which also happened five years ago somewhat diminishes the effectiveness of my math-training. It is incredibly annoying to have to constantly ward off aspects of what seems to me to be beings capable of being multiplicitous to the extreme or extremely capable of the art of mimicry, (or just warding off aspects from the sewers of my repetitive, somewhat damaged, unconscious self.) Probably a mixture of the three, at least.
The task of discerning which it is which aspect seems nigh on impossible. Though i can at least be capable of discerning when my mental experience makes something come across as a clear injection (as false as that experience may be) to when i experience it as regular self-conscious/unconscious activity.

I assume i`ll have to wave my hands through the shadows of my consciousness as best i can in order to at least portray my relations to the impinging aspects in an as clear manner as possible. A task whose art i may or may not be capable of participating in.

It`s fun to just wade in the background of one`s head and see what words and images are produced. At times relevant, at times novel, at times eerie.


Otherwise. It`s depressing to see how fast recently established mathematical methods disappear from my brain. Granted i recognize and reclaim the methods easier now, but still, my capacity for attentiveness, recollection and implementation is still dangerously low. Hopefully this is rectifiable, if not i will have to really reconsider my potential routes through and to a life with a satisfactory income base.

In better news, first person in the book @ Stoltzekleiven second day in a row. And i even timed my walk. 17:44 is not particularly impressive, but then again, i wasn`t even deep-breathed when i reached the top. Marvellous breakfast, comfortable lunch. Once again with quite interesting articles to read.
Harper`s : A peek into the social dynamics of Obama`s Chicago establishment and the ways in which this has led to an influx of Chicagoans in Washington. (Particularly intrigued by how they will reapply their newfound knowledge of the country and administrative endeavors when they return to Chicago.) The article was otherwise slightly too gawky and not too intent on analyzing implications and historical precedents for me. Alas, one can`t reach over everything over the course of six pages either, i guess.
American Scientist : And a splendid, (though written in the tone of Werner Herzog ,which was creepy), article about exploration and experimentation in chemistry, the at times unrepeatable nature of some experiments. It was also a nice way to show forth how different interests can be nurtured under a rigorous schedule. I`ll take a European university journey before i take a literature-journey though. Some other patterns were present as well which left me radiantly amused.

Piano

I just played my first melody on a piano since i was eleven. SCARY!
And amusing enough to make me want to work on my playing for a while.

Luckily, my evil Canadian body double is a piano teacher, so this should work out all right.

Scary stories.

What confounds me about myself is that i can`t really make out which is scarier. My at times successful attempts at self improvement and the gentle bliss afforded me when i manage to conform to my ideals for unfolding, or the hostility/"lack of proper capacity for elaboration of self" experienced in my head whilst i traverse more or less interactive visual and auditory hallucinations.
It will not suffice to say only that about the matter, but there is little i can do to further probe the material nature of the experience. I can but dabble in the personal psychological interpretations of such in a terminology wholly my own and only partially recognizable to other observers.

Had a good morning today. (Unless you count the hostility/anguish - impositions experienced in mental spaces just before i rose out of bed. Having recently listened to Nick Cave made me walk through it in the stride of "We`re gonna have a real good time", and that sentiment works reasonably well.)
Walked up Stoltzekleiven with Rimsky Korsakov and Tchaikovsky as musical companions. Quite enjoyable, even though the weather was sombre.

I listened to Beethovens 5th Piano Concerto (op. 70) last evening. Granted, i wasn`t particularly concentrated during the experience, but i must say i really preferred Rimsky-Korsakov`s Concerto for Piano and Orchestra (op.30) this morning. This is not a comparison of professional merit, of course, but more an attempt to show forth the traits music needs to have in order to be seen by me as what i need.

Good workflow, excellent Ginseng, i`m over the anguish of having to do the entire maths course over again, and am still trying my best to act within the limits afforded my current position.

Vernor Vinge`s "Rainbows End" annoys the living daylight out of me though. Which is one of the traits good literature can have. The conceptual space explored within and the silent reek of both present, and potential future obsolescence makes me annoyed at our incapacity to facilitate for asynchronous conceptualizations and establish proper paths of correction insuring a least-problematic-route to continued usefulness (unless a person wants more problems, which i in some instances definitely do!).
But yeah, it hurts to see how easily a being can be made obsolescent, and it doubly hurts to be continually pestered about it by scurrilous little assertive fear-mongerers. (Especially when said scare-mongerers have an uncanny knack for correcting my mental output within the confines of my auditory space so soon after its production. ARGH)

Nuff now. Back to maths. (The problem is that the concept "More math, less Drunkard`s Walk" has certain literary connotations which speaks to the difficulty of instituting the one without having to relate to the spaces explored within the other. Oh well, Drunkard`s Walk is as good as they get from Pohl`s side of things relative to my unfolding at present.)

The media circus.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh! IT`s COMING RIGHT FOR US.

Now that that`s over with. There is a point of anguish occasionally visited, often in my case, where one views gazes over the outline of a structural instability with which one is incapable of grappling due to a disinclination on the part of the citizenry to take kindly to musings from bases of a less analytical sort.
It would be safe to say that i am pretty certain of my incapacity for any expression relative to the structures existent upon this planet. It would also be safe to say that i am eminently capable of forgetting this incapacity at ir(regular) intervals. Luckily.
GO BLOW A SHEEP!
Erm, setting that aside. This is going to take a lot of time, and be incredibly amusing (for me) until i potentially run out of ways to keep myself safe and fed. Which i for the time being am. YAY!


What i really wanted to write about was how the implications of the manners in which the modern media environment tries to balance its task a conveyor/producer/attractor. Which in most instances is just a question of who is going to field the bill for the deprogramming. The incredible sway of assertion as the base attribute of individuals in the media landscape is lamentable. And knowing from first hand experience how accommodating and relevance-belief-engendering/pattern relevant/ media experiences can be to a citizen makes it difficult for me to believe in a manner of providing the necessary spaces for analytical relations to our currently existing governing(all aspect) structures.

I`m going to be INCREDIBLY obtruse for quite some time yet. I am aware of the problem and shall take pains to remedy it. Unfortunately i`ve been way too sporadic in the development of the self-produced written word. Hopefully remediable.
And hopefully I won`t find myself brought to too many complicating extensions into spheres of reality because of this.

Shaftoe

Darn, this means i might start to really fail Jack Shaftoes Indian conscription avoidance aptitude test doesn`t it?

Oh well, Diigo probably already ensured that.

Comfortable breakfasts.

Yum.
There`s a certain agony attached to not being able to go to the gym due to public holidays. This has luckily been satiated by a marvellous breakfast filled with interesting forays into both psychiatry and literature.
Weaving my brain through the article on the discoverer/discovery of Alzheimers in American Scientist Mar/Apr and the article about Robert Walser in May`s Harper`s was right enjoyable. Walser seemed as if he possessed certain traits with which i am personally very familiar. At least he took the time to write things out on paper. Which i should also do more often.
Too bad the gym was closed.
Managed to get back into an okay mood with a Rimsky-Korsakov concerto for Piano and Flute. Joyful and enthusiastic music, though slightly more feminine than what i was looking for just now. New Swedish composer I`ve never heard of before now being listened to. I`m too busy writing to discover the nuances is Berwald`s music, but since the music is capable of being used as background chatter to these idle musings is more than enough.

Will now go back to failing in my attempts to get back into the work flow of mathematics after a ten year leave of absence. Oh the optimism!

Daze

Ever had one of those days when you`re just really tired of being acquiescent and respectful in your attempt to maneuver the interactive visual and auditory hallucinatory landscapes you have to peruse before bedtime?
Today isn`t one of those days! At least not for me. Yay. Instead, why not relax with some Varese - Arcana and French pornography. Quite the enjoyable experience. Varese-induced exhiliration is really to be recommended. Let`s hope nobody went bump in the night to the projections existing within my brain at the time.

It might still turn into such a night later on, i guess, it has a tendency to.

Otherwise, yay Ginseng, nay Caffeine.

I`m going to fail my math exam next Thursday, and i`m quite comfortable with that. Another six months until my next attempt, and by that time i will be in possession of a better base both physically, mentally and behaviourally. After that my time living in Sandviken will be up, and what happens then is not currently perceivable for me, but that`s okay. Steady but slow progression is seen on some fronts, unfortunately also the front of how heart&mind wrenchingly scary and imposing reality can be when one experiences it in my manner.

Which is what Edgard Varese`s music and John B. Root`s pornography is there to take my thoughts away from. At least the pornography, it`s more difficult to remain totally calm to music in isolation.


The halleluiah-choir of having a portable music player and easy access to thousands upon thousands of hours of easily searchable classical music is once again manifesting itself in my life. Goodness i`d forgotten how my mannerisms were before my previous player was ruined. Lebensmittel is how such items should be classified. The Golden Compass played with the concept, apparently, never saw that movie but somehow that was pointed out to me.

Too bad if nobody else told Lonnie about Harry though. Go figure.

Soul food.

Here i was thinking i could not get enough of love. Spending an entire day listening to carefully selected soul music proved me wrong. Nah, probably not. My head feels rather mushy though, and there were some refrains there i really should not have become acquainted with. But i`m used to express myself in an annoying manner to myself.
The only thing lacking from this days musical exploration was a copy of The Vinyl Underground. Oh well, i`ll get back to that comic later.

The art of mimicry is wonderful. It`s a shame that i need practical examples from my social sphere before new projects are initiated.

Tomorrow involves triking forty kilometers. And the sun will be shining all day. Could it get any better? Maybe if i had a music player so that i could become even more of an insecure element in traffic. Yeah, that would be swell. Then again, maybe i should focus on staying alive out there on the roads. At least i won`t have a splitting headache tomorrow, should make for a more enjoyable ride than last time. But i`d definitely recommend spending some hours on a trike if you have a hangover. You might want to fill an extra bottle with tomato juice in addition to the water.

Aaaaargh, exam coming up, panic! Must reduce my exposure to all mediastreams except those that involve mathematics. Not that i view it as particularly likely that i`ll be able to keep from indulging in the joys of the modern media landscape for very long. My record is one week, i should stop doing everything besides math, but for goodness sake, i`m hooked on elaborations of all sorts, and i`d loath not to be current for a while. I need to learn the concept of temporarily reneging from pleasure for the sake of my continued viability as a member of society. One year and a month left if i am to avoid epicfail@life.