Lively
untimely
but beseeched from the close
in too close
or far enough away
not easy to say
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Randy dandy
Rowdy and dandy, would probably be a better description. So, interview in another ten hours, and i won`t be able to get much sleep. Well, South Park is here to help.
Last night was as usual kind of troublesome. It`s all right though, my capacity for mental expression was somewhat present. But it`s a strain to walk straight under the ever-watchful "eyes" of whatever manages to present me with fragments of responses to my every thought. Shouldn`t think that possible, and would like to know the mechanics of it. (As usual.) But it is pretty sweet when everything flows in a gainful manner, which it occasionally does. Seriously, meeting fragments of other people`s consciousness-structures and having to interact with them everytime i lay down in bed to sleep is pretty intense.
So anyway, makes me wonder what other people swerve through in their mental spaces. Still somewhat annoying though. I pretty much retracted myself from social spaces six years ago, since i considered myself to be to much of a nuisance. Which only led to me moving around in mental landscapes where my every expression of thought was considered bothersome.
So what really happened here? Reality kind of snuck up to me like that. Or some aspect of reality. With which i am not currently familiar. Oh well, to the best of my knowledge it`s a wholly subjective experience not overlapping with the experiences of consciousness and being of the people with whom i continually overlap in my head. At least that`s what i`ve been told in my more confrontational moments. But of course, i also know how overwhelming the expressions trying to cow experiencers into silence can be. Something which i never really fell for (ok at times i did, and continue to do), but i tried to out-argue the expressions which tried to bind me to silence in all of this. (Which means that i spend way too much time writing about it! Yeah, i`m stupid like that.) Now all i have to do is outdo whichever cowing capacities this experience has and manage to get ahold of the infrastructure and social space around me where such and other explorations of the makings of society, the sciences and reality is possible. Should be easy! =) Or maybe it`ll be hellishly difficult.
But oh i remember the sweet experience of flying low over american air defenses and landing for a hallucinatory extravaganza with ambiguous command and authority structures. And it was there. Makes me wonder. But so does all else reality has to offer. (It`s a silly notion of humans, to view that which is considered to be supernormal/abnormal as necessarily more attuned to realities of a greater nature than everyday experience.) I appreciate it, but i`m not particularly convinced of the truthfulness of anything i experience in purely mental realms. If i did that i`d be a total goner by now!
So, interested, but not beholden. But hey, everybody needs a hobby, and i forgot to make a proper 419-scam letter so i can`t make my money that way.
Last night was as usual kind of troublesome. It`s all right though, my capacity for mental expression was somewhat present. But it`s a strain to walk straight under the ever-watchful "eyes" of whatever manages to present me with fragments of responses to my every thought. Shouldn`t think that possible, and would like to know the mechanics of it. (As usual.) But it is pretty sweet when everything flows in a gainful manner, which it occasionally does. Seriously, meeting fragments of other people`s consciousness-structures and having to interact with them everytime i lay down in bed to sleep is pretty intense.
So anyway, makes me wonder what other people swerve through in their mental spaces. Still somewhat annoying though. I pretty much retracted myself from social spaces six years ago, since i considered myself to be to much of a nuisance. Which only led to me moving around in mental landscapes where my every expression of thought was considered bothersome.
So what really happened here? Reality kind of snuck up to me like that. Or some aspect of reality. With which i am not currently familiar. Oh well, to the best of my knowledge it`s a wholly subjective experience not overlapping with the experiences of consciousness and being of the people with whom i continually overlap in my head. At least that`s what i`ve been told in my more confrontational moments. But of course, i also know how overwhelming the expressions trying to cow experiencers into silence can be. Something which i never really fell for (ok at times i did, and continue to do), but i tried to out-argue the expressions which tried to bind me to silence in all of this. (Which means that i spend way too much time writing about it! Yeah, i`m stupid like that.) Now all i have to do is outdo whichever cowing capacities this experience has and manage to get ahold of the infrastructure and social space around me where such and other explorations of the makings of society, the sciences and reality is possible. Should be easy! =) Or maybe it`ll be hellishly difficult.
But oh i remember the sweet experience of flying low over american air defenses and landing for a hallucinatory extravaganza with ambiguous command and authority structures. And it was there. Makes me wonder. But so does all else reality has to offer. (It`s a silly notion of humans, to view that which is considered to be supernormal/abnormal as necessarily more attuned to realities of a greater nature than everyday experience.) I appreciate it, but i`m not particularly convinced of the truthfulness of anything i experience in purely mental realms. If i did that i`d be a total goner by now!
So, interested, but not beholden. But hey, everybody needs a hobby, and i forgot to make a proper 419-scam letter so i can`t make my money that way.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
So it ain`t all bad
NO honestly. It isn`t. BOuts of depression are their own story, which i seem to focus on in here a little too often.
Which is something i should attempt to alter. So my neurochemistry has allowed me a new ride on the optimism-gravytrain. Make no mistake, i`m still somewhat troubled by lot`s of harrowing (all of it not in Harrowstone), but there are potentials to be grasped in myself, my vincinity, society, and reality (which is still at large, (and pretty god-dawm Huge!)) So, i could focus on that for a change.
The easy street would be to get a job looking after kids in a kindergarden, or at least a gig as a temp in a kindergarden. THe job is interesting, relatively easy (dependent upon colleagues and structural rigour of course), and would probably keep me happy and with an okay revenue stream in the short to medium term.
The medium to long term is still whirling around even more attempts at broadening my knowledge of academical fields i can find some use for (all) and narrowing them down to what i can do without kow-towing to the local repository of theories and viewpoints. Which means the sciences. WHich first and foremost means getting a chemistry set, a new computer to work on Linux From Scratch and TECS on (erm, yeah, still comfortably locked in a Lain-run here! =)) and whichever books high school currently uses for maths, chemistry and physics. Won`t hurt, and i`m still going to do it pretty slow, which means that i lack the drive to force myself to work on it except when everything is going really well. That`s my bane, i`m afraid, but i`m also terribly fond of not rushing things. People who need to get a lot done immediately unnerve me. (Mostly because i know how i am when i come into contact with my own impatient sides, but alas.)
Other than that. I should spend less time on the slot-machine known as internet news. Shame on me. I like to look at my log of the last four years of headlines and articles read, but it scares me how much of this i completely forget to take into account when i make up my mind about topics. I guess i`m starting to learn the difference between a dilletante and a professional. (That took its time!) It`s a nice slot machine, and it teaches me if nothing else to enjoy quality in reporting, and the lively and intelligent debate which one occasionally encounters on varioslashus websites. But that`s okay.
And i have to keep swimming, keep eating the sardines, get back on the workout-routine, do regular saunas (oh my god it`s going to be closed until september, how will i survive???), do more prep-work for our roleplaying games (hope nobody got too upset over my little outburst over the rhetorical flair at display in our sessions.) and generally try to not annoy family members unneccessarily. (Since i am, for all purposes, pretty dependent upon their continued good will. (Which i seem pretty close to have squandered, we`ll see.) (I am way too fond of pushing boundaries.) But it should also be said that when i have a week to relax before going off on a painting job i would like to spend it in what position i want when i want and not be held up to the strictures of ordinary family life. My vacation, my time, my ways. Seriously!
Hellopatrickswayze.
Total Carnage!
Poor Ricky Fish.
Which is something i should attempt to alter. So my neurochemistry has allowed me a new ride on the optimism-gravytrain. Make no mistake, i`m still somewhat troubled by lot`s of harrowing (all of it not in Harrowstone), but there are potentials to be grasped in myself, my vincinity, society, and reality (which is still at large, (and pretty god-dawm Huge!)) So, i could focus on that for a change.
The easy street would be to get a job looking after kids in a kindergarden, or at least a gig as a temp in a kindergarden. THe job is interesting, relatively easy (dependent upon colleagues and structural rigour of course), and would probably keep me happy and with an okay revenue stream in the short to medium term.
The medium to long term is still whirling around even more attempts at broadening my knowledge of academical fields i can find some use for (all) and narrowing them down to what i can do without kow-towing to the local repository of theories and viewpoints. Which means the sciences. WHich first and foremost means getting a chemistry set, a new computer to work on Linux From Scratch and TECS on (erm, yeah, still comfortably locked in a Lain-run here! =)) and whichever books high school currently uses for maths, chemistry and physics. Won`t hurt, and i`m still going to do it pretty slow, which means that i lack the drive to force myself to work on it except when everything is going really well. That`s my bane, i`m afraid, but i`m also terribly fond of not rushing things. People who need to get a lot done immediately unnerve me. (Mostly because i know how i am when i come into contact with my own impatient sides, but alas.)
Other than that. I should spend less time on the slot-machine known as internet news. Shame on me. I like to look at my log of the last four years of headlines and articles read, but it scares me how much of this i completely forget to take into account when i make up my mind about topics. I guess i`m starting to learn the difference between a dilletante and a professional. (That took its time!) It`s a nice slot machine, and it teaches me if nothing else to enjoy quality in reporting, and the lively and intelligent debate which one occasionally encounters on varioslashus websites. But that`s okay.
And i have to keep swimming, keep eating the sardines, get back on the workout-routine, do regular saunas (oh my god it`s going to be closed until september, how will i survive???), do more prep-work for our roleplaying games (hope nobody got too upset over my little outburst over the rhetorical flair at display in our sessions.) and generally try to not annoy family members unneccessarily. (Since i am, for all purposes, pretty dependent upon their continued good will. (Which i seem pretty close to have squandered, we`ll see.) (I am way too fond of pushing boundaries.) But it should also be said that when i have a week to relax before going off on a painting job i would like to spend it in what position i want when i want and not be held up to the strictures of ordinary family life. My vacation, my time, my ways. Seriously!
Hellopatrickswayze.
Total Carnage!
Poor Ricky Fish.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Falling forwards, alas not upwards.
So, haven`t been here in a while.
It should be unneccessary to point out that there is little reason for me to be here even now. What, you want another round of my bickerings about the life six years deep between "A Medicine for Melancholy" and "The Genius and the Goddess"? No didn`t think so, but hey, what else is there to talk about?
Pretty much mentally ruined at present, kind of sad, there used to be quite a lot of enjoyment and contemplation in my mental expression, now it`s just a mad dash to the safety of sleep. Sad it had to end thus, but hey, too much time alone can do that to a man. This is where i am supposed to write something about the positive and uplifting turns my life can take over the next year/five year plan/decade, but why bother. I`ve seen pretty much everything i ever wanted blow up in between my hands and have completely lost any belief in ever regaining anything. Fair enough. It`s not as if a strenous mental environment counts as the work one is supposed to do to get ahead in life. SO i shan`t lay the blame anywhere than at the feet of my ignorance of the manner in which human societies function.
SO BLAH! Fucking pointless, and alone for six years running, nothing new here. I`ve been socially dead since 2004 as well, so why bother. Met some nice people, of course, but i never really got into the art of actually making long term connections with people. How could i? Wouldn`t want to spend my time assessing other people based upon the criteria i assess my self. (Which i wouldn`t really do, but that`s another story.)
I`m too scared for other people now anyway, it`s not as if they are going to get any amusement out of talking with me. How could they, i keep myself as guarded as the day is long. And i have long experience in noticing that nobody is really interested in anything i say anyways, so why bother with that? And what little i would say would be wholly lacking in analytical/factual basis and just a general smear made up of poorly digested semi-factoids and tidbits which does not a worldview make. (Except for the fact that i`m alone and going down, i can wax on that at length, but i find it highly unlikely that anybody would be particularly interested in -that-, wouldn`t you say.)
So yeah. Disrepair. Is the order of the day. Thus the name.
Other than that. Why am i still sober?
Not much demand for beings like me. Can`t say i fault the world, nature or the human populace particularly much. Who the fuck needs twenty seven year old broke unemployed nobodies these days anyway? (Except the normal array of dubious entities trying to extract whatever possible from every inch of easily disposable matter.) So yeah, nobody. Oh, i already guessed. That`s the way it`s pretty much always been (except for a couple of years,) and i can let it ebb out slowly. No need to rush about things.
So yeah. Local boy does not make it. Has some fun occassionally, and crash down into a fiery pit. And here`s Tom with the weather.
Oh, and this extended beta for ebocloud gives me the screaming heebie-jeebies. Internal representation/external interaction. Now where did i put that tractor beam? I`m sorry, this as solely internal representation based on available data does not add up. (The brain never did, it`s all right...) I hate innuendo! Wow, the self destructive mental expression i adopted as to not irk anything in my brain any further sure didn`t do a whole lot of good. Alas.
So what`s worth it these days? Not a whole damn lot. As stated, six years of waking up alone breaks you apart. It`s as easy as that. Unless you have some group affiliations involved in works you can get behind, which i haven`t, so shucks for that as well. Now i`m behind on both counts with no real desire or capacity to reel myself back in and on.
Fuck it, it`s you world, go crazy. It`s not as if you can harm it. You can harm the survival of the species of course, but since when did we give a fuck about that anyways.
G
It should be unneccessary to point out that there is little reason for me to be here even now. What, you want another round of my bickerings about the life six years deep between "A Medicine for Melancholy" and "The Genius and the Goddess"? No didn`t think so, but hey, what else is there to talk about?
Pretty much mentally ruined at present, kind of sad, there used to be quite a lot of enjoyment and contemplation in my mental expression, now it`s just a mad dash to the safety of sleep. Sad it had to end thus, but hey, too much time alone can do that to a man. This is where i am supposed to write something about the positive and uplifting turns my life can take over the next year/five year plan/decade, but why bother. I`ve seen pretty much everything i ever wanted blow up in between my hands and have completely lost any belief in ever regaining anything. Fair enough. It`s not as if a strenous mental environment counts as the work one is supposed to do to get ahead in life. SO i shan`t lay the blame anywhere than at the feet of my ignorance of the manner in which human societies function.
SO BLAH! Fucking pointless, and alone for six years running, nothing new here. I`ve been socially dead since 2004 as well, so why bother. Met some nice people, of course, but i never really got into the art of actually making long term connections with people. How could i? Wouldn`t want to spend my time assessing other people based upon the criteria i assess my self. (Which i wouldn`t really do, but that`s another story.)
I`m too scared for other people now anyway, it`s not as if they are going to get any amusement out of talking with me. How could they, i keep myself as guarded as the day is long. And i have long experience in noticing that nobody is really interested in anything i say anyways, so why bother with that? And what little i would say would be wholly lacking in analytical/factual basis and just a general smear made up of poorly digested semi-factoids and tidbits which does not a worldview make. (Except for the fact that i`m alone and going down, i can wax on that at length, but i find it highly unlikely that anybody would be particularly interested in -that-, wouldn`t you say.)
So yeah. Disrepair. Is the order of the day. Thus the name.
Other than that. Why am i still sober?
Not much demand for beings like me. Can`t say i fault the world, nature or the human populace particularly much. Who the fuck needs twenty seven year old broke unemployed nobodies these days anyway? (Except the normal array of dubious entities trying to extract whatever possible from every inch of easily disposable matter.) So yeah, nobody. Oh, i already guessed. That`s the way it`s pretty much always been (except for a couple of years,) and i can let it ebb out slowly. No need to rush about things.
So yeah. Local boy does not make it. Has some fun occassionally, and crash down into a fiery pit. And here`s Tom with the weather.
Oh, and this extended beta for ebocloud gives me the screaming heebie-jeebies. Internal representation/external interaction. Now where did i put that tractor beam? I`m sorry, this as solely internal representation based on available data does not add up. (The brain never did, it`s all right...) I hate innuendo! Wow, the self destructive mental expression i adopted as to not irk anything in my brain any further sure didn`t do a whole lot of good. Alas.
So what`s worth it these days? Not a whole damn lot. As stated, six years of waking up alone breaks you apart. It`s as easy as that. Unless you have some group affiliations involved in works you can get behind, which i haven`t, so shucks for that as well. Now i`m behind on both counts with no real desire or capacity to reel myself back in and on.
Fuck it, it`s you world, go crazy. It`s not as if you can harm it. You can harm the survival of the species of course, but since when did we give a fuck about that anyways.
G
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