Regain.

FEeling better. Head working again, not depressed. Always entertaining when that happens. Now back to work.

Rebreather.

Rebreather.

Flow, temporary feeling of the fuselage.
Decohering, and comfortable.


Focus, none.
Capacity for focus, unknown.
Capacity, positive outlook.

Trending.
Outrun,
interweave,
slingshot.

"Stall."

Thoughts.

"Ok, time to find the program."
"Time to forego the program."
"Is there a program?"
"Not really."
"Then what is the point here."
"To find a concept"
"Which concept."
"Probably an arbitrary one."
"Yeah, hardly anything built on universal truths, that`s to be sure."
"Yeah well, what are those for anyways, besides mechanics?"
"Mechanics are important."
"Besides the point."
"THere wasn`t a point here."
"True that."
"What to do, this is like being in a vortex."
"Trying to hit the drain, or trying to stay in the vortex?"
"Ambiguous upon the topic."
"Of what use?"
"The use of the experience of the vortex."
"That is of use."
"Glad we could agree on that."
"Am i currently spinning in or out of control?"
"Well, viewed from the truth that up untill now you were not proven to be spinning, i`d say into control."
"But that is also like saying that being temporarily drawn into the orbit of Jupiter will keep you there. It might, it might not."
"True, and the orbit of Jupiter might not be the best place you manage to perceive from the orbit of Jupiter either."
"So, best not to know where this might go as to better believe it possible for it to go somewhere?"
"In a certain sense, yes."
"Which certain sense?"
"The certain sense of me not knowing whether it`s a viable strategy but being willing to relate to it not having a better option myself."

Speed up.

"So speed it up a notch, what`s accomplishable here?"
"Well i need to recondition in a 30/10, that`s very important. Other than that, we have a steadily rising compsci install, yos i know its taking forever and i don`t, fucking, care. It`s mine, period. Other than that we have the gym, we have a steady stream of alternate music. We have some light work and other kinds of light work. Nothing immediatetly satisfactory, but potentially gainful in a long term sense and ok for capital gains short term."
"So, that`s pretty vague..."
"Yeah well, i hate my specifics right now, because they`re shite, that`s why i`m being vague. And at least i`m particular about them being shite, rite?!"
"Sensible enough, and partly true."
"Yup, partly true in the socioeconomic interpretation that`s enforced as hegemonical."
"WEll fuck that illusion."
"Exactly, i totally tried, and there are vague hints it still may work, but they`re vague, and difficult to derive any form of social capitaL FROM."
"yOU`RE NOT LOOKING!"
"True, i always was crap at the social part."
"Yeah on a certain level you totally still are."
"Fuck the concept of being imposing right."
"Yeah, we had to condition you pretty hard to come within even a mile of you not worrying about that all of the time."
"And then having everything completely backfire on me the few times i lost said social inhibitions."
"Yeah well, not being trained, successful and competent in interpreting such matters, as you had the decisive misfortune of being, sure is disadvantageous on the few occasions you manage not to be."
"Yup, at those timse you pretty much just learn that the counter is even more self destructive and give up trying altogether."
"Yeah, what fun times..."
"What fun times indeed."
"Not fun times."
"Correct, dreadful times."

SO, anyway. Something more jolly. Cut Records, nice bandcamp-based ambient."
"Yeah, really nice."

Despair.

"So, tired of crashing yourself yet?"
"Yes, by and large, enough to get to a doctor this time."
"Well that ain`t half bad, could`ve been worse as well, you know, could`ve blown worse things than a couble of thousand on drinking."
"Yes, i guess, but it`s really becoming strenous to be thinking about my situation now."
"So don`t!"
"Yeah go figure, i like that solution, but i`m quite inept at implementing it."

"Other than that smooth sailing right?"
"Yeah well, there`s a limit to how many detoxes i can run through, but we`re back at the gym tomorrow, we`re writing a bit, and we`ve done a marathon cleaning and lecture-listening session today."
"Should`ve been at that meeting, though."
"Yeah, but they`ll let me live."
"Other than that post/pre-sleep psychosis is back in style, and my brain has the practice needed to be quite the contender."
"Yeah, why train it to be still when you could train it to be hyperactive?"
"Besides the obvious problems of maintaining defined structures in the face of incredible mental ...."
"yeah, besides those. WEll besides those problems there aren`t many things to be said, those problems are nice and entertaining and potentially very gainful somewhat dependent upon what you allew to constitute a hindrance in your life."
"You know i define pretty much everything ashindrances and nothing as graspable opportunities, right?"
"Yes, it has been noticed. But as a system with a propensity for the construction and the analysis of personal negative maximals then you ain`t half bad."
"I doubt that, pretty much rubbish at that as well."
"Take joy in the little things. Your Dvorak is pretty fast by now!"
"Yeah, who`d a thunk it, regular exercise, right."
"Regular exercise, boyo, and slow, slow steps. And more patience than most microtransaction-algorithms could possibly possess."
"Yeah, aren`t we glad we`re not in it for the short term?"
"We are, but it wouldn`t fucking hurt to have a viable strategy for the long term either, regardless of how self-satisfied we are with our belief in our own noble shying away from short term profit."
"So, viable strategy for the long term."
"You`re not gonna do one now are you?"
"Nope, haven`t got one, what do you expect?"

Attempt #2

"So, you might as well get abck to the internally presented two-player conversation."
"Yeah i guess i can, read a piece just now presenting imaginary letters. Or, that is, the letters weren`t imaginary, but the beings behind them were. It was quite the hightailing romp through literature and the natural history museum."

"But it bored you enough not to read it all..."
"Of course, i can enjoy the life stories of writers, but its more difficult to enjoy imaginary conversations about literature. Though it must have been very gainful to write it. And apparently presumably fake, yet cherished, museum artifacts is some sort of literary trend, first my father and now this work ot The Orphan."

"Yeah, you do happen to like those similarities, don`t you?"
"Yes, it is quite the fascination of mine. Perception, reality. It is odd though, won`t you say. I started writing in the form of two imaginary conversating pieces of me yesterday. Today i discover the work of somebody published somewhere on the internet i`ve never heard of before, (though we have been observing some of the salme literary circles, albeit in different manners), which is also an example of the same literary style. Namely the shaping of, in my instance, imaginary conversations, and in his case, imaginary letters."

"But neither are imaginary, they`re quite real. They pertain more to the necessity of structural representation of an experience the writer wants to convey than to the reality of a conversation it purports to be when viewed as a stand alone piece."
"And that is the problem, is t, when it comes to that form of literature. Are you supposed to present it to an audience which is in on the con of it being forged letters, or do you present them without making the con obvious?"
"Well, if it is published as literature then you have little choice in the matter..."
"I think you are using the term literature wrong now...."
"So was i worrying. The point being, a particular form of conscious relation to a work of literature is lost when it is presented as a work of literature."
"What else can it be represented as?"
"As an authentic exchange of letters, not an imagined one at the part of the author."
"That authentic exchange would also be literature, which after all means the art of written work...."
"You just read some more about it and discovered that you were more unsure than you previously thought, didn`t you?"

"Yes indeed, suffice to say there are some glaring holes in my knowledge of the exact meaning of terms."
"Join the crowd."
"But then, there`s the textbook definition and then there is the probability of any one person adhering to the textbook definition."
"Nice rowing you`re doing there!"
"Yeah, it`s passable. But the point that was to be made here. Can we go back to probabilities and parallels, those fascinate me more."
"Yet you know next to nothing factual about them and spend all your time wallowing in your experiential relation to these phenomena. Which, on the whole, and to your credit, hasn`t been developed as shoddily as one might think. But that`s besides the point. The pont here is that to get probabilities and parallels to make sense you need to fuse your current experiential understanding with a rigorous mechanical one."
"And what do i do when the mechanical explanation fails to present a coherent understanding of the present and potential capacities of physical reality? It tends to leave me, somewhat disamused by the entire process."
"Then you grow up and work with what you have."
"Point, what do i have then?"
"A very vague, and ever shifting, assessment of what constitutes the aspects of probabilities and parallels which i find intriguing. And a slight difficulty of finding an overlapping exposition of the nature of the phenomena with which i am fascinated."
"You really don`t use language a lot in day to day settings, do you?"
"Well, at least this conversation has gaused me to get Strogatz` Sync off the shelf again. It`s been a while."
"Oh god, you`re probably going to overwhelm me with silly nuggets relating to what you find fascinating in that book now, aren`t you. Well, i can`t help but say that i fancy the idea."
"Yeah, me and the big ideas and understandings of the natural world stumble ever forward. I should at least try."

Attempt #1

"So, you really do think that you have some sort of very weird yet important take on the world, even though you can`t express it, don`t you?!"
"Well yes, to the extent that something is important; which i often doubt (unfortunately). It isn`t that i hold myself up as particularly important, and whomever hears my usage of the world would define my usage of it wrongly anyway!"

"Ah, yes, the wonderful ambiguity of words, and people`s reflexive interpretations based on their own conceptual frameworks, didn`t take you long to lament that fact about human interactions. So now what? You give up on expressions again?"
"I could, but that wouldn`t be sporting of me, now would it? And we wouldn`t want to NOT be sporting. Good heavens no!
The point being. Ah, yes, importance. Writing about what is meant by importance is important"

"oh goodness no. ANOTHER meta-layer to play with? This is going to take ages isn`t it?"
"Probably, do you want me to condense 27 years of life into little nuggets of expression, or do you want me to get at something of importance?"

"Little nuggets of expression can at times be gruesomely important!"
"Why yes, on that we agree. And that puts us back on track. So what is important? We should probably define something then?"

"Let us."
"Ok. The basic system we have here, is to the best of my knowledge adding ever new capacities to itself, right?"

"I`ll play along. Okay. It can be said, by me, that the universe, as best as we can observe its journey through time, has been far less VISIBLY complex than we take it as now being."
"Yeah, not that our capacity for seeing has played tricks on us in the past or anything! But the point is. The universe did at one time not contain the observing entity known as the human being. So what i`m saying is YAY congrats universe, you`ve made something that wasn`t there before!"

"And the point being?"
"Well, are we talking about inherent, and manifestable complexity, or inherent expansive capacity?"

"I have no idea what you just said means..."
"OK, i`ll try again. Is the blueprint there beforehand, or does the blueprint get made as the universe progresses to time."

"time.... is an illusion!"
"who said that?"
"Best to pay whomever said that no heed!"
"Indeed, let`s, for now, until we can prove him right, which would be fun."
"Yeah, then we can travel back in time and have sex with Julie Christie!"
"YOU ARE DIGRESSING"
"Yeah, sorry about that, but, mmmmmmm Julie Christie....."
"Point."

"back to the blueprint, please!"
"Yeah. It`s pretty important. Which parts of the blueprint can have "aspects" added to itself over time, and which parts can`t?"

"Isn`t the entire universe the blueprint?"
"Well yes, but then we get to stare into the wonderful question of what the universe is a blueprint of."

"a blueprint of a system that can add "aspects" to itself over time based on something"
"Yeah, nice of it to just exist, isn`t it? Totally neat i`d say. But there is the nagging question which i really like to get at, albeit poorly. That is the question of WHAT this system is capable of "adding to itself/expanding itself to""
"You could`ve written "expanding itself into" but that would have been too funny. Since it would, in many ways mean that it expands itself into something that is there for it to expand itself into, like a house"
"Yup, those are the qualities that makes me occasionally hate language"

"But you were talking about importance..."
"Yes, and in that we should probably elaborate further on the difference between "objectively important to the further expansion/survival of the expanding universe" and "important to me as an individual""

"Erm, so that is your lens for this?"
"Yes, there are a lot of importances in between. But let`s agree that without this universe we`d be left with exactly nothing."

"Seems reasonable to assume that, yes."
"And without me, i`d be left with exactly nothing."

"In so far as you cherish the notion of the concept of you that your current mortal body affords you, then yes."
"The what?"

"You know what i mean. The body, and its sensory apparatus is limited. It`s capacity for comprehension of the mechanics of the system it is, and it is in is limited."
"Yes, but i do still not know what you mean...."

"I mean that you are in possession of an idea of your consciousness which to all extents is the best that we have to -rationally- offer. Your being is your body (including brain, etc), and its interactions with the "outside" of your body. Now at many levels of the mechanics of reality the illusory seperation of your body from the material reality it inhabits breaks down completely."
"Yes, but still, to be able to so vividly imagine this separation from the rest of the material world is quite something, isn`t it?"

"It is, but the point is. When does that construct start and stop to be illusory?"
"When I want it to!"

"I think you might have hit the nail on the head. Unfortunately, you didn`t do it with a hammer..."
"But when does it stop being illusory?"

"I have, honestly, no idea, so your concept of "when i want it to" is as good as any, since you`ll be forced to lie abaut it anyways. (Probably)"
"We`re really not going to have much chance of landing ourself a gig as a philosopher-king with this one, are we?"
"No, but as you can see, pretending to be a conversation between two individuals has been pretty fruitful so far. Where do you want to stop? Maybe this conversation needs an illusory third party"
"Do i get to control when to engage these "illusory" third/first-parties?"
"Hahahahahaha. That brings back memories, deosn`t it..!"

"Se yes, the illusion of the individual is quite useful. And in many ways not an illusion. Presenting yourself with the illusion of two individuals is also useful. And then it becomes a matter of figuring out which illusions are useful to who."
"Which brings back the necessary first point about useful to the continued existence of a creating material reality"

"Yep, it is a useful way of looking at it. Besides, it`s an over-arching view of reality which you can liberally sprinkle with dead bodies and still feel good about it."
"That should`ve been unmentioned..."
"All i`m saying is that if you REALLY want a dogma that allows you to disregard the sanctity of absolutely everything then it is a dogma that contains the belief in deing work to ensure the continued survival of the capacity for creation in reality itself."
"Yeah. It makes good vs evil seem somewhat childish, i`ll grant you that."

"Back to what`s important."
"Yeah, i was distracted. We`ve established the existence of a universe containing the capacity for creation as of ultimate importance. Whether the maintenance of this capacity happens to expansion or contraction is of secondary importance, nad a comfortably creepy exploration in its own right, but i do not want to discuss that now. On the other hand we have the consciousness, or being, which currently inhabit the physical body of which i am, right now, at least the renter of."
"Yeah, it`ll totally try to kick you out if you don`t maintain it proporly or pay rent!"
"That wasn`t what i meant. I was trying to figure out absolutely everything which has to do with a factual relation to the workings of our brain and body as part of a greater system known to us as reality. And i still lack some of the basic tools in that line of inquiry."
"Which makes your failures all the more charming, no doubt."
"Unfortunately, yes doubt. But hey. Lets see here."

"On a certain level, the concept of individual breaks down completely. Actually, on very many levels. How should i relate to that?"
"Most poeple seem very comfortable not doing so, very often quite successfully as well."
"Oh great, are we going to fall down to the level of slanderous remarks about people we don`t know? In which case i`m inclined not to bother."
"Ok, it annoyed me too. Some people probably do, but the point should rather be that i haven`t the faintest clue as to how other human beings structure up their being/consciousness/structure. And i`v been wrung around enough weird happenings te knew there to be a near infinite supply of being-altering experiences."
"An infinite supply i think, but always bounded to the current point in time. So if you view it with time then it becomes as infinite as time, but at any one point in time it is finite."
"Unless time is an illusion!"
"There`s that guy again, who IS that?"
"I don`t know, but we end up next to him in time a lot, he seems to have fun."

"But how should i relate to the breakdown of the individual on so many levels of reality?"
"It`s your world, i don`t know."
"But that`s the point, it isn`t my world. It is "my" sensory apparatus and its attempt to interpret the myriad of signals existing in the structures of material reality. That hardly makes it my world. It makes it a world."
"Ok, so it`s your interpretation of a world."
"It`not even that, its an interpretation of a world. Loosely based on a myriad of experiences and expressions. To say its "mine" because i happen to hav all of these interpretations in my possession isn`t particularly true to me."
"You really want to get to the bottom of how his works, don`t you."
"Yes, and i`m way too lazy to actually build the tools required to get better at doing so, leading me to wade around here in the shallows. They`re likable shallows though."

"I`ve forgotten where we were. We have found out that our notion of the universe is limited, and that our notion of self is limited."
"And that language is difficult, and most of the time reflexively, rather that truthfully, interpreted."
"Yeah. Sucks to be the universe then, i guess. Not much you can do with things being so higgedy-piggeldy."
"Actually, that`s the groovy part though. The universe isn`t limited to understanding."
"Neither are we, when you look at it like that."
"Neither are we, but i understood that a long time ago."
"Ka-ching."

"So no, the universe isn`t limited to understanding. Understanding occasionally enhances its capacities though."
"Well, yes, interesting point. We`ve pretty much proven that by enhancing its capacities ourselves."
"Yay, go team us!"

February.

I might also mention that february was a tolerable disaster. Dear goodness, wasting all that time on work and such. Time to get to steppin`!

Drugs

So, i guess this would be a bad day to initiate a "Use drugs in sympathy with Henning Warloe"-day.

But i might already have! I even think they`re legal drugs. Go figure!

So, i thought as follows ; i should probably style my expression more along the lines of a dialogue. The thinking behind this is, as usual, bordering on the insane, but that`s par for the course. The point being that i am aware of a lot of weird things, and to a certain degree aware of how little i know of them. Since this is only for my own perusal, (and the occasional poor straggler who shows up), it should be permissible. It`s an attempt to structure something up for my own understandings sake. So it should be done. I would also learn something about self-expression along the way, which would do me good!